Them & Us

"I'm so bored I could die".

Immortal last words hey? I guess this is how I'm feeling a bit tonight. It's ridiculously melodramatic, really. I've not felt like this in a while, but I'm starting to feel increasingly worried about the future again. It would seem that it didn't take me as long as I thought to get back into the swing of things. I'm so angry at myself for feeling like this. Oh please someone snap me out of this!

I'm currently in London again after a weekend at home. After weekends like this, I always feel guilty for never being there. Nothing seems to beat a Saturday night out with old friends, and this night was no exception. No matter how much we have all changed and grown out of our old lives in recent years, whenever I'm on that dance floor with Becky, I instantly feel sixteen years old again. This town will always have a place in my heart, even if it doesn't really have a place for me now.

I may be in London but I have never been so broke in my life. I don't have a single penny in my bank and I seem to owe everybody money. I think I have officially exhausted all my options.

Home is wherever I'm with you

I don't really feel I can put the last month into words, or not well enough to fully describe how truly inspiring it has been. Oddly enough, it already feels like a life time ago. It's been two weeks since I got back from the Dominican Republic and I've felt like I have been on a come down ever since. On numerous occasions I have tried to write about the experience, but every time, no words are drawn to me. Everything seems inadequate now and its so hard to explain the way I'm feeling.
I guess my apprehension before I left was to be expected, but completely unnecessary. All the things I worried about, were areas in which I excelled. I should have been more worried about my emotional preparedness. It shouldn't take a trip to a third world country to make you value what you have, but there is no way that it can't. I've found a real sense of perspective on things, I often wonder who benefited more from this trip, me or the people I met?
In our society we all lead such busy lives, when do we ever really take a break? We always seem to be worrying about something. The relief of leaving everything like that home was most welcome and its hard to try and get back into the swing on things. I think, more to the point, I don't want to get back into routine and lose that feeling.

This is not your only chance

What a week it has been. I don't feel like I've stopped all week and it certainly isn't about to slow down. After a brilliant night at Dark party last Saturday, I was out for the count on Sunday. There was a lot of much needed catching up to be done...and we certainly succeeded. I have never had such a head ache and the night is still a beautiful blur to me. I blame Miss Conway and Miss Bull for the excessive amount of vodka shots that were consumed that night.
I couldn't wallow in my hangover for long, before I knew it I was heading back up north, to Leeds, to pack up the last two years of my life. It was not a task I was looking forward to. The mammoth task of cleaning the manor was also not something I looked forward to. I arrived back to Leeds and instantly threw myself into the task, luckily my boyfriend was coming over that night and I felt I deserved a break. I was particularly looking forward to seeing him because for the next two weeks I will be away in the Dominican Republic, I'll explain later. This was one of the last times I would see him, so I wanted to savour every moment with him. It only felt like he was there for five minutes before he was gone again the next morning. And so, for me, it was back to packing. Luckily Jenny had come over to help me and she couldn't have come at a better time. I was already at my wits end and drowning in a mass of clothes I wasn't even aware that I owned. For the next two days I felt on the verge of a break down. I never want to move house again and I'm swaying towards a more minimalistic way of life.

And now I am home again, in Luton, getting last minute preparations for my trip to the Dominican Republic tomorrow. I'll be there for two weeks, but I'll try and post. I'm going with a charity and my family to work in a slum village, which is home to Haitian refugees. I went five years ago with just my dad, and had an amazing experience. I met some of the most beautiful people and some incredible friends for life. In all honesty though, I'm really nervous.

Don't worry, baby.

It really has been a while since I posted. If I'm honest, I'm quite glad of it too. I haven't really been in the right frame of mind for writing. This is only a personal thing, people deal with everything differently, but for me, I just don't want to indulge in that self loathing, melancholy feeling, and I especially don't want others reading it. I feel for me personally, its a dangerous path to go down and if anything, makes me feel even worse. I also feel like I've learnt the hard way, that not everyone will stick around for the pity party. But why should they? I would rather suck it up, than end up alone.
So after a rocky start to the month, things have improved, a lot. I cannot explain the sense of ease I have felt recently and it is so nice to be able to indulge in being happy and incredibly cliché. I may be poor, horribly poor for that matter, but I have a great life. I have a caring family, wonderful friends and a relationship that is so perfect. I never knew how amazing it is to feel so much love for another person.

You never did learn to let the little things go

So it is official. I am now going into my third year at university. I can honestly say, I never thought I would make it here. I'm home now for summer in not so sunny Luton and I feel quite sad at the idea that I don't really have a life here any more. When I'm back I live out of my suitcase and I have to fit in seeing everyone before I'm whisked off again. Only the other night, My best friend and I headed out to one of our old favourite spots to find we were the oldest people there. Of course there were some of our friends, but the majority of people were strangers. What's strange is it seems to have only happened in the last year. I remember coming home during my first year and feeling like I'd never left. I feel now, like I have truly flown the nest and that I'm actually settled in Leeds, something again, I never thought I'd hear myself say. Although this is quite sad, I only have fond memories of growing up in Luton and was so distraught leaving that life when I left for uni. It's quite clear now who are our friends, and I'm pretty pleased with the crowd that have stuck together.

I wrote my name in your book

I've had some technical difficulties this week; which resulted in an £85 laptop repair bill. I was not best pleased. Its only been two week since my last blog but I can't explain the changes that have taken place. The feeling of relief is incredible. Things did have to get much worse before they got better, but they are better, a lot in fact. I realise now how I let all my fears for next year take over and ultimately held me back massively. These last two weeks have been so valuable to me, both in my personal life and my education. I can't believe I'm going into my final year of university, time flies so fast and it only feels like a few weeks ago my parents dropped me off into my halls. Here I am now, about to move into my second house and actually excited about going into the unknown next year. I feel terribly cliché about this all, but it was really the boost I've needed and I am really feeling good about what the future holds.
Its my last night in Leeds and I'm spending it in. Now don't start thinking that I'm boring and should be out celebrating, because I have for the past two weeks and I don't feel like I've stopped. I am very excited to have a lie in on Friday morning, although I know this wont happen because of the kitten. Seeing everyone again has been brilliant and we're definitely leaving our second year on a high. We took a trip to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park last Friday and I must admit I was very dubious. I will gladly eat my words and say I had one of the best days out. Who knew five hundred acres of land could turn a bunch of twenty plus students in to a group of five year olds for the day?

For the irony

Things seem to have taken a turn for the worse in these last two weeks. The worst part is, I don't even know why. I've never gone from such massive highs to all time lows, in such a small amount of time. It's really quite frightening to feel so out of control. I'm not in London any more and I miss it terribly. It's amazing the memories a smell can evoke. I arrived back to my house in Leeds for the first time in over a month, as I walked into my bedroom the hot woody smell instantly took me back ten months, to July. I'd just moved in and our house seemed like a sauna for the whole summer. It reminded me of waking up in this new room, eagerly awaiting my boyfriends arrival so I could show him our new house. It made me feel so sad to think about how much had changed in those ten months. For a brief second I wished I was back there, so I could do it all differently. Something strange has happened this year, this is starting to feel real and reality is really starting to loom over us. Responsibility has been very sneaky and crept up on us, with no warning or invitation. Fear is coming and the cracks are starting to show. I keep thinking to myself, how did it get like this? It's as though I went to bed in a fairy tale and have woken up in a nightmare. I am determined to beat this, though. I can't fall now so close to the end. It hadn't always been this hard and I will find that again.